Narcissism
Narcissism has many shapes and sizes. I sometimes think that a part of narcissism belongs to human nature. This blog is about the narcissistic personality disorder with all its consequences.
But this human side, in which we like to be important is not what this is about. This is about a destructive form of narcissistic personality disorder that is very harmful to those who are closely involved.
WHAT IS NARCISSISM ACCORDING TO DSM?
The DSM is the worldwide classification system for psychiatric disorders, issued by the APA (American Psychiatric Association), DSM V (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders).
The diagnosis for a personality disorder is made when there is an extreme or severe core disorder, pathological characteristics and other criteria. Personality psychopathology is based on fundamental disorders in thinking about oneself (the own identity) and the skills and possibilities with regard to interpersonal functioning (interpersonal effectiveness).
NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER IN THE DSM V
Narcissistic personality disorder is no longer described as such in the DSM V. It now looks at characteristics of a personality disorder. Characteristics for narcissistic personality disorder are lack of empathy, megalomania and need for admiration.
Persons suffering from narcissistic personality disorder can have many typical characteristics in relationships that they have with others. An open narcissist will often be someone who is boastful, always wants to be the best, suffers from megalomania and puts others to his own will for the of himself. With a hidden narcissist these characteristics are more difficult to recognize and often only visible to people who are close to them.
The diagnosis of "narcissistic personality disorder" can only be made by an authorised person. Yet you may recognize many features from the list below when you are a close relative of a narcissist.
Narcissists can often come across as people who have a high opinion of themselves. Yet in many narcissists there is an insecure person with a low self-esteem who often suffers from multiple disorders within his personality. This often makes it difficult to build and maintain relationships with others. Although they can often be charming and full of self-confidence in the beginning, characteristics of Narcissistic Personality Disorder often arise in the later phase of the relationship.
CHARACTERISTICS OF NARCISSISTIC PERSONAL DISORDER DISORDERS
- Charming at first sight, smooth talker, a lot of self-confidence and self-esteem
- Quickly defensive
- Self-knowledge is often lost under megalomania
- No form of self-reflection, their misery is the fault of other people
- Lack of spontaneity
- Lack of expression of feeling
- Appear disinterested to others
- Weak self-image (compensate for inferiority)
- Seek a lot of validation of his person and behaviour from others
- Deep-rooted uncertainty
- Difficulty with external signs of aging
- Always wants to come across as positive to others and will show this excessively
- Exhibits self-centred behaviour
- Only care about themselves, not others
- Can’t show real feelings
- Can’t stand criticism
- Craves admiration
- Act as they want others to see them, not how they actually are
- Have difficulty in loving, but often like to receive this themselves
- Find themselves special and unique
- Denial of problems concerning the person and narcissism
- Very sensitive to (non-verbal) behaviour of others
- Find it hard to interpret other people’s feelings
- Little attention for the opinion of others
- Energy level in relation to self-confidence
- Lack of empathy
- Always live according to their ideal image instead of their self-image
- Depression after (small) setbacks
- Continuous fear of inferiority
- Never satisfied (both your own behaviour and that of others)
- Idealise others to love them
- Feelings of weakness and inferiority
- Do not view their behaviour as a problem
- Are often cool, distant and calculated
- Like to boast about own performance and belittling the performance of others
- Can’t maintain relationships (often change partners)
- Jealousy
- Quick replacement partner after termination of "old" relationship
- Bad talking about broken relationships
- Manipulate to enter into new relationships (to win over people)
- Obsessive behaviour with regard to fantasies about ideal "me"
- Unreliable in relationships
- Fear of abandonment
- Always blame others, deny personal responsibility
- Can’t give real love
- Do not want / accept help because they are not the ones with the problem
- Poorly treatable for the condition
- Sense of inner emptiness
- Acts superior
- Is not susceptible to his own behaviour
- Has a lot of criticism of others
- Continuously looking for conflicts in the relationship
- Would like to give others a feeling of inferiority
- Requirements on the partner that they give up things
- Is compelling in the relationship
- Lies and cheats to get their way
- Can’t be alone
- Demands all attention
- Can’t say sorry
- Receives love and appreciation but does not give anything back
Although narcissists can show behaviour in the initial phase of a relationship that allows people to like, (start to) love them, even to put their partner on a pedestal, the true narcissist will often surface later in the relationship and show the above characteristics. At a certain time the partner does something wrong, whatever. She will be blamed for this mistake forever. They fall from their pedestals and suddenly they can’t do any good.
NARCISSIST IN A RELATIONSHIP:
Having a relationship with a person suffering from narcissistic personality disorder is often a destructive relationship.
Falling in love with a person who suffers from this disorder is often not difficult at first, until the real narcissist comes to the surface. From that moment on it is often a relationship in which manipulation, humiliation and feelings of impotence play a major role.
Narcissists are often very interesting, charming and fun at first. They radiate a certain self-confidence that can be very attractive. The chance that dealing with a narcissist in the beginning of a relationship is very nice, is more logical than unthinkable. Narcissists have the ability to manipulate people and will do so in the beginning of the relationship.
As soon as the feelings of solidarity of the "victim" towards the narcissist have increased, so much that quick distancing becomes more difficult, narcissists often put their claws in the person with whom they have the relationship and do not let them go. From that moment on there is a chance that you have been or will be manipulated.
An important feature is that narcissists are not able to take others into account. A property that obviously causes problems within a relationship!
When a relationship lasts longer, the true narcissist often comes up. Cruel and aggressive behaviour can arise within this relationship, especially if the conditions of the narcissist are not met. A narcissist will try to keep someone close to him, will show jealous behaviour but on the other hand will ensure that the person with whom they have the relationship does not get a grip on them. If necessary, they will isolate their partner wherever possible. When a narcissist can no longer manipulate their own partner, they will make the environment doubt what the partner says. You will get into a fight with the most important people in your life, or they no longer believe what you say, suddenly you are left with only your narcissistic partner to fall back on.
Important for narcissists is that their partner does not have power over them and they do not become dependent on this person. The partner is often made into a property within this relationship, in which the partner's feelings are completely denied by the narcissist's behaviour. The focus is on what YOU are doing wrong, so you are always trying to defend yourself and do not think that something might be wrong.
I ONLY LOVE MYSELF
A person who suffers from narcissistic personality disorder will often love no one other than himself. Of course, this is not so pronounced to prevent the partner from getting it and going away. The words "I love you" are therefore not words that belong in the vocabulary of a narcissist. A narcissist does not know unconditional or unselfish love, but is often unaware of this. The obsessive tendency to want control over his partner feels like absolute love. The narcissist does not know better, believes in his own reality and is also very convincing about this.
In a relationship, a person suffering from narcissistic personality disorder will try to deceive his partner by giving her a sense of ambiguity and uncertainty. This also gives a feeling of control. "We will meet tomorrow". Totally not concrete, no time or place. An example of how the narcissist makes sure that you are to keep yourself available until 9 in the evening, just in case he shows up. That you do not dare to ask for more clarity, should actually clarify the position you are in ... As a partner you will often try harder. The narcissist loves this attention but knows of himself that he will never let this person come too close. The more someone will invest in a narcissist, the more the narcissist will turn away from this person's feelings. While the narcissist does enjoy the attention and likes to be placed on a pedestal.
Reality is that a relationship with a person suffering from narcissistic personality disorder often has no chance. Narcissism in relationships is often fatal. Relationships with narcissists often end in a painful and ugly way. Narcissists will also soon try their best to hit a new "victim".
HOW DO YOU HANDLE A NARCISSIST?
My first statement would be. NOT. Get out of here. But I myself know how impossible it can be to get rid of this. I am familiar with the boundlessness, the unconditional love that you can feel for a narcissist. So below some tips to make your life more bearable:
SIX KEYS TO BUILD IMMUNITY AGAINST NARCISSISTIC ABUSE
FIRST KEY: OPT OUT OF THE NARCISSISTIC REALITY
The narcissistic reality is based on fear, doubt, negativity and illusions. It is part of its own reality. A delusional world. Totally convinced of their own truth, their reality where they begin little by little over time to convince you that their reality is the only real reality. So the first thing you want to do is to opt out of that reality. Something that really helps me is the mantra "this is not my reality". This applies, whether you are dealing with this person personally, if you actually have interactions, on the phone or e-mail or just in your thoughts. This person may not even be in your life anymore. They have moved or you have no contact or maybe they are dead, but you are still going back to this place of ruminating and fighting against all these battles and are still being dragged into their reality. So, sign off from their reality, whether you're still in this relationship, or just go in your head every time you get caught in their reality: "This is not my reality". Keep repeating this yourself. Because the power of repetition also caused this to remain in your head. The same intensity is needed to break this pattern.
SECOND KEY: OWN YOUR REALITY
This is a combination of self-confidence, self-love and self-esteem. Knowing what your reality is, what your truth is and what is not. You know that the only way these people get away with abuse comes from your lack of self-worth and self-love. Your self-doubt. You will always be manipulated in doubt as to whether it is not your fault. When they test you for things and these are perhaps not even striking things, they are perhaps the smallest small daily events, but that's exactly how those tests go and then they continue bit by bit. You are being manipulated to a point where you lose all sense of what is real and you are completely immersed in their reality. So to be immune to narcissistic abuse, you want to own your reality. You want to have faith in your truth. You want to stand up for your truth.
THIRD KEY: OWNING A HUNDRED PERCENT SELF-RESPONSIBILITY
When own your self-responsibility for one hundred percent, the responsibility of your attitude, mentality, your actions, your choices. When you own that you are empowered. It is impossible for you to be a victim because victimhood, that whole reality paradigm of the victim is based on powerlessness. It is based on not having control over your attitude and actions, it feels like you need a rescuer. If you acknowledge that you have a choice to respond or to let go, this can be applied to the narcissist but also to everything else in your life. Take control of your emotions before they get control over you. You do not want to see it, because you are afraid, in love, destructive, you want to stay where you are. You lack any form of self-reliance, because you do not take responsibility for your own life. You have all control. You just do not take it. You can always let go. It is a simple calculation. When something costs more pain, grief or humiliation than it brings joy or love, then you just hold on to it because you do not love yourself enough. You will prove to yourself that you are indeed no longer worthy. Change is scary, of course. Because the unknown can bring new disappointment and now we know what we have. But be aware that you choose the position you are in. You give so much power to the narcissist by acting like you have no choice. He determines, so put it down with him. What narcissists do is make you feel good about who you are, but only when you are doing well. For them, they will always manipulate and seduce you until it looks like the best choice you will make for them. Everything will be fine if you make this choice in their own way. But at the moment that it is then that they have got you so far, the rest of the relationship will continue to be used against you. You are constantly confused and the worst thing is that you will know that you are disappointing because you and you alone made this step out of integrity, you did so through your own free will. Beware of that choice, they have tempted you, they did a lot of things, smoke and mirrors and everything to let you do that, but you made that choice yourself. Stand the full 100 percent behind the choices you make.
No one has more power over you than what you give away.
THE FOURTH KEY TO DEVELOP IMMUNITY AGAINST NARCISSISTIC ABUSE IS TO FIND YOUR SENSE OF APPROVAL IN YOURSELF.
You are looking for external confirmation. Your narcissistic partner, your parents, the neighbours, the people at the school where your child is going. Whatever. If your self-esteem is not high enough, your self-love is too low, you will always look for external confirmation whether you are good enough. A narcissist has a radar for this. If you are a person who can put himself in second place for the approval of another person, at the expense of your time, health limits and self-esteem, then you possess the magical property of putting the happiness of your partner in first. You can adjust and walk on your toes to do it all well for the person who is important to you. This characteristic of you is particularly attractive to a narcissist. It is also exactly this property, that you see the happiness of the other as a way to bring happiness yourself, which makes you repeat this pattern. Get this kind of partners on your path.
You depend on the happiness of the other person. The presence of this person is in fact what makes you happy. This person is the embodiment of your happiness. That is why you are so dependent to the point that you are no longer interesting for this person who does not want to meet such high expectations. Happiness is in yourself. In no one else. You do not need anyone's approval. It is time that you feel that you are good enough as you are. Or find a way to learn that. A narcissist switches between finding this property interesting and not interesting. On the one hand, he is happy with the compliment that lies behind your dependence, he really wants it. It attracts him. On the other hand, it is too easy and irritating. So just how his mood is he will attract and repel. You can never do this well. If you adapt to what someone wants from you, you will keep adjusting your whole life with the result that you will have to see that whatever you do will never be good enough. If you act this dependent, then you are not good in your head and he is not responsible for your happiness, you have to seek help. If you do not depend on him, you are uninterested and do not like him. So good luck with this. You will have to find your approval and happiness within yourself. Externally you will never get enough confirmation to get satisfaction.
THE FIFTH KEY TO BUILDING IMMUNITY AGAINST NARCISSISTIC DEMANDS IS TO JUST NO SAY
It's about boundaries; This is about closing situations and relationships and going out with people who do not respect you. Do not give up your self-respect to stay in contact with someone else if you have to sacrifice your self-respect to stay in touch with that person.
The people you need to adjust to and walk on your toes for are usually the people you can never do well for. Make the calculation. You know that it costs you more energy, pain and grief than it brings joy or love.
What is going to happen, is that that person who does not respect you, will also blame you for anything and will ignore you. This person shows that he can do fine without you. That makes you insecure and pulls you out of balance. It feels really awful. Hopeless, meaningless. You come to a point where you no longer know how you can ever be happy. You over appreciate the connection with this person. You made this person so important that it is inconceivable that you should go on without him. How dependent have you made yourself against someone who leaves your life when it suits him? Knowing that you will come back crawling again. Because after 3 weeks of silence all your good intentions have disappeared. You are not going to keep a distance as you had thought. You are so happy that he is back and does everything to make sure you do not drive him away again. You are going to have to learn to say NO. The contact always comes back, but under his conditions. This way you keep the pattern alive. While if you would dare to let go. The risk would be that he disappears from your life. From your self-esteem you decide then what you deserve better what you get here. You could feel this, can persevere. Then you will see that he is going to work to regain control. It's going to turn the tables around. But only if you remain in your power. It is so tempting to fall back into old patterns. The fear of feeling that he is leaving again. But someone treats you like this does not deserve you. So you can just let go. If you get that property under control, you have your narcissist under control. You are going to have to dare to let go. Choose for yourself. Will he not just choose someone else? He might. But someone who cannot learn, has no self-reflection. Is not someone to chase. You have nothing to lose in this. Only to win. You know you soon started to push your limits for your narcissistic partner. It is so important to regain your self-respect and say "no". You lose who you are if you do not. If you have not lost your own personality. In this way you always get closer to yourself a little more.
THE SIXTH KEY TO IMMUNIZE YOURSELF AGAINST NARCISSISTIC DEMAND IS TO SHARE YOUR EXPERIENCES WITH OTHERS.
Dare to share. You are not alone here. There are mountains of people who cannot understand this, like your trusted friends and relatives. Yet it is important to involve them somewhat. Not to convince, who does not understand it is blessed. But do not make a huge secret of it either. Especially search for people who do understand you in this, who went through the same thing. Google on victims of narcissism and you will be surprised how many people were in your shoes. Who have fought out of this situation. You can be one of them. A warrior, a victor, no longer a victim. Your double life is very recognizable for these people. The pretending. The perfect relationship for outsiders, but within the walls of your house verbally and perhaps physically razed to the ground. It is incomprehensible to people who never experienced it. Why do you allow that? Just because your self-love was less than your love for this narcissist. Simple like that. Who does not know that feeling will not understand. But do not blame them, be happy with their ignorance and share your story with the people who went through the same thing.
WHAT IS IT NOW EXACTLY THAT MAKES THIS NARCISSIST CROSS TO YOUR PATH?
A narcissist seeks people with a number of important qualities that you possess.
The first is, the narcissist wants to be in first place. That is not a shared place so you have to be fine to put yourself in 2nd place. It is useful if you can walk well on your toes and adjust. Because your life will be full observing him. If you are among people, you look carefully if the narcissist does not isolate himself because anger arises because you pay more attention to others than to him. You will have to compensate this later. You are only eligible if your own self-esteem is not too high. It is important that your love for the narcissist is greater than the love for yourself. You do not have to tell yourself that it is not so, because then you would already have left. You can only allow this way of life from a low self-esteem. That is not bad. It is not good or bad, it is what you want with your life. You alone decide that. You love your narcissist more than yourself, that is a fact, otherwise this "cooperation" cannot continue to exist.
Daisy Jacobs
sexpower.online
Datum: 08-01-'20
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