The To Say List
I think we all know that communication is essential for every relationship. The question is more often the how, than the why in this.
Perhaps that is also the essence of our SexPower site. Intellectually, we know quite well what is needed. But how do you do that? How do you keep your emotion under control, to a level that induces growth and connection? Not reproach and attack. That the message does not lose its content in the mass.
You have control over your emotion. It does’t control you. This is not easy. But such discipline can really be trained.
Images can be uploaded via our SexPower chat. It often happens that I am asked to analyse total chats. Then I get to see screenshots with the total conversation. Such a very first emotional chat with what is bothering someone is seriously a complete thesis. Women do this more often to men than the other way around, that's why I speak from a he and she where of course that isn't always true.
I see such a "thesis" coming in. In my head a despondent man slaps his forehead when he sees this miserable text. With the thought, oh god, there she goes again with her whining.
A message full of attack and blame what his entire goal is missing. Because he already reads it from the idea that he is being attacked by something that is not about anything. The message of the substantive text completely ignores the recipient.
This costs you a lot of energy. It clearly doesn't bring anything.
What can you do differently:
Mind you, this is really not a simple point. We are used to responding emotionally. If it is really bothering you. Got to get it out. You already know that this is not the best method. You have been doing this for years and it has never had the desired effect.
Now Einstein says: the definition of madness is always repeating something, but still expecting a different result. And I think: that man wasn't quite crazy. Because repeating the same thing, we're good at that, right? That is how a person learns. Keep repeating, until you are so tired that you finally do something else.
That's okay. That is how our brain works. Don't punish yourself for that. That doesn't help either.
Whether it is about your work, your home, your emotional status or your love life.
Chaos is what always precedes change. First misery, then clarity. It makes us make decisions and make choices.
You make a To Do list in your house. That person is going to do the job. First groceries, then cleaning the garden. You make priorities. What is important. What do you do first and how much time do you have for that.
In your emotional status this would really help. Speaking to your partner or to the colleague that you can’t level with at the moment when your frustration is sky high. That always gives escalation. You start talking from reproach and attack. The person opposite you is going to defend himself and counter attack. That is how our brain works in most cases. Your message is lost. I think that is a great pity that you put all this energy into it.
Write it down. Everything that bothers you. Especially do not flush it out when your emotions are running high. That is tough training though. Your own discipline. But fair is fair. This is about you. Not about the one that concerns you. Because you probably had this with other people before. So self-analysis really helps enormously.
You write down all the points that frustrate you.
Ohhh we women can go on and on ????
That toothbrush cap. That statement to his friends. The effort he doesn't make to respond. The toilet seat that he does not seem to be able to lower. The attention he seems to need from others. It doesn't matter what the subject is. Write it down. As short as you can. When you have collected five subjects, you will look at the core of the matter, regardless of the whole story that revolves around it. Does he not take you into account? Do you think that you are not treated as you deserve? Do you feel rejected because he seems to be paying more attention to colleagues, friends or sports? Regardless of the situation, what is the essence? Do you think he treats you as if you don’t matter? Don't you feel good enough? Are you afraid of disappointment? What does this do, from the core of all these stories that you wrote? What is your basic emotion? Fear? Powerlessness? Disappointment? Rejection?
Describe what it does in one sentence. Believe me. That is really possible. As long as you can look at your emotion from a helicopter view. If you are then asked to substantiate your conclusion, you will still have your entire thesis of stories. But you avoid the feeling of "pfff there she goes again", "it is always something" and "whatever I do it is never good enough". Because really ... your partner also has a sense of rejection and uncertainty. Take a closer look at what exactly is there. Apart from your emotion, first find the core of why you feel what you feel. Do not approach it based on attack or reproach, but conclude this with what can you do with it. How do you feel about this?
Do not just spit your bile, because if you feel bad about yourself, it is only logical that you have energy for yourself and not for the feeling of someone else, whatever is really there. Do not turn yourself away, because that is not the intention. Accept that you feel what you feel, he feels what he feels, and that there is a middle ground if you stop attacking each other.
Structure your story. As if it is something businesslike. It is very difficult to maintain that patience, but that’s what they call maturity. You can do this. For real.
Love,
Daisy Jacobs
sexpower.online
Datum: 30-10-'19
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