Consciously going too far is clear, I'm not even talking about that, seeing how far you can go without first asking permission is the problem. It may even go as far as ending up raping someone and not even being very aware of it.

We just don't know how to get consent from our partner. Below are my thoughts on this. This is written with the boy-girl combination, but applies to all partner combinations off course.

We want more from our partner and try to go further, but skip the consent. For example, kissing and then placing your hand on her chest. What do you expect from her now? It may be all right, but do you actually know that and how do you know that?

She doesn't say anything, but how do you know what's going on in her head? She might love it, exactly what she was hoping for, or not! She was kissing someone and is suddenly confronted with a hand on her chest.
 

She likes you but now she suddenly has to make choices: Do I want this? Should I say no? If I say no, does he still like me? Does he get mad if I say no? Am I a prude if I say no? What will he tell others about me if I say no?

How does he react if I reject him? But also: how do I say no? Am I pushing him away? Do I ask him to stop? Do I really dare to stop him? She should at least interrupt what you were doing and tell you she doesn't want to. And that goes for every step. You put her in the position to stop you.

Just think what happens if you go further than she wants to and she says no; you've been rejected, the vibe is over, you've gone too far. Then come your apology and you will have to prove to her that you are trustworthy and the guy she liked.

It's really simple: ask! Asking seems difficult, but we haven't been taught to ask in these settings and it seems awkward, but it's not. In fact, asking can be quite exciting: Dirty Talk isn't just what we get to hear in porn.

An example is complimenting her on how beautiful and exciting her breasts are. It is then a simple step to tell her how much you want to see or touch them. That's it! She feels valued and wanted.

 

There's nothing more exciting than a girl who tells you she can't wait to see you nodding yes or put your hand on her chest or kiss you intensely.

Moving towards her erogenous zones with your hands and looking at her questioningly or defiantly with your eyes is also asking. No response is NO; she doesn't realize it, doesn't know yet whether she wants to or freezes. To stop is to postpone, to continue is to cancel or worse.
 

A no is definitely not the end: tell her it's okay. Respect it and give her confidence that it is okay. Don't whine about why not.

 

If you tell her you respect her, she'll tell you at her own accord why she's not ready yet.

Respecting her in her boundary may even reaffirm to her that you are worthy, that she is safe with you to take the next step.

 

When you're ready for the next step, make sure you indicate that to her and that you leave it up to her if she wants to take that step. You gain nothing by doing just that, you have everything to lose and so does she!

 

To this day I still regularly kick myself for having gone too far myself. My first kiss with a girl. I was so happy and accidentally got my hand under her blouse.

 

Incompetent and startled, I thought I'd have to carry on and I did, placing my hand on her chest. It still gets to me now, thirty years later. The next day she didn't show up and I never saw her again, it only became clear to me later.

 

I would love to tell her how sorry I am. Sorry.

 

P.S. A lot of thought: wanting to apologize is actually selfish of me, that's my emotion. Hopefully she put it behind her and forgot about me.

(anonymous blogger)