Chemsex & Pairs Clubs: beyond the taboo
As you may have gathered in the meantime, I do not shy away from any discussion topic, especially if I personally think it is important that more information becomes available. For example, going out in couples clubs is one of them.
Let me start by saying that this is definitely not going to be an anti-couples club plea. I also like to go out myself. As with everything, it is useful to determine your limits yourself. Hopefully this blog gives some insight into the different possibilities. More and more young people are going to a couples club because it is a cheap way of going out. Partner swapping or "swinging" is absolutely not a must neither is sex. Drinks and food are included in the reasonable admission price, as are the jacuzzi, sauna and often a dance floor. The atmosphere is open minded, people are allowed to be themselves. Of course, the piece of "daring to be yourself" does not depend on the location. You will have to find that in yourself. It can help you to be surrounded by people with the same ambition. It starts nice and early, so you do not have to wait until 11PM until you can go out. It has a mountain of benefits, this way of going out. But as with every place where people are gathered, there are temptations and boundaries that you probably did not know how to react to. How you would deal with them. Preparation is half the battle. Just delve into the things you step into, think about who you are, what you want and feel, but especially why that is so.
After having discovered SexPowerHypnosis.nl on my website, Mona contacted me. She is extremely concerned about the Chemsex phenomenon within the couples clubs and beyond. Below you can read in her personal story why this concerns her both literally and figuratively. I myself have no experience with drugs, so I had not yet seen this world from this other perspective. I find her story very valuable and want to fight this battle with her.
From 1995 I put my first shaky steps in the swingers world. The first club I came to, it no longer exists, atrracted at the time because it used the motto: "Everything is possible and everything is allowed." And to be honest, they did not lie, so I started a joint with my former (narcissistic) ex-husband. It was a fairly simple club, with all niches and where telephones hung on the walls. In my naivety I thought it was to order drinks. However, it turned out to be a very progressive way, in my view, to make contact with another couple, in a different niche. Very creative, but I did not use it. I was still a bit too blue for that …
The second club where I came stood and is even now known as the most beautiful club in the Netherlands and in that time there were actually a lot of beautiful and well-situated people around. With my exhibitionistic approach, I quickly walked around in my 'birthday suit'. That was not allowed, but hey, everything that is not allowed is exciting, right? Even now there was no partner exchange or bi practices, but see and be seen while I was working with my NEX (narcissistic ex). Why do I emphasise this? That is quite easily explained: I had been slowly manipulated into this world, whereas at that moment I was not at all ready and hoped (against better judgement) that man would be monogamous. A Utopia, of course, because monogamy is an adjustment. I loved the attention in the clubs. Only the act itself lacked. That is now no longer conceivable: searching for a date via the telephone line. Since my NEX is Bisexual, it was often single men who came to us, or married men who were secretly looking for fun. The strangest birds I have seen pass by. A gentleman in red women's lingerie, who had put in a butt plug the whole car ride, undressed at entry without warning and there was the colossus of about 2.10 M and about the same diameter in our living room ... well, try keep your poker face ...
The marriage did not get any better, the craving for excitement became bigger, so I began doing Strip-O-Grams. That earned a lot of money (and quickly) and my exhibitionist hunger was quieted. Money problems came when my ex lost his job. I started working for a sex line, earned in that time an average of one thousand guilders a week, what was quickly spent at the same time, because of our lifestyle (in the nineties the guilder was fortunately still there, otherwise we would already have been bankrupt then). In addition, I went to work as a hostess in a club. My first customer, a dirty guy from a car junkyard, came to my room. I was disgusted by his touch, but I was not assertive yet and I needed the money so I let him run over my personal boundaries again. I kept it to that one time, this was clearly not my thing. In 2000 the marriage failed. I have followed a pretty intense therapy three to four days a week. That's how I learned to guard my boundaries. During my therapy I got to know a bouncer in the pub: big, broad, muscular and very wrong ... he offered me a lift home and at the door I said: ¨It might be cliché but maybe you want a cup of coffee? ¨. I have indeed drunk coffee and after that I sniffed my first ‘coin' with coke. I felt no inhibitions, and I did not have any trouble reaching a climax, but now? This was great! I felt like I was the Orgasm Goddess incarnate, actually it was my first encounter with chemsex, even though this term was far from my vocabulary. This super lover came to see me three or four times a week on average, usually in the middle of the night. By seven in the morning he went back home (to his family), and I remained with a ‘peaceful’ smile and a pulse of 800 bpm alone and wide awake in the big bed. It seemed to me the most ideal situation. All the lust but none of the the burden ... only as long as man has feelings, it is impossible to go against these laws of nature. So I fell in love with my Adonis. Partly because I smoked and blowed like a heretic for years, in 2004 I got a spontaneous collapsed lung three times. The last collapse was a reason for the doctors to let me go through the scan and it turned out to be ... that I had a lung emphysema of smoking at the age of 35. The upper right lung lobe was full of holes, so it was taken away. When I came out of the hospital after a week (!!!), with bruised ribs from the operation, my life just went on as before. The sniffing, drinking Gin Coke (or what was available) and the nights full of (synthetic) passion continued as usual. Of course I also used coke when he was not there, so almost my entire social security benefit went up my nose. The backlogs started to arise and I decided to go back to work in a fancy club in't Gooi. Again I could not settle in, the stealing of each other's customers was not in my nature. Maybe I was a bit too soft for this world, not vicious enough. So my great lover suggested that I start a weed plantation in my attic. I have only done one harvest and then I was already caught with a classic. No snow on my roof as the only one in the neighbourhood ... goodbye house, goodbye stable factor. I wandered from girlfriend to girlfriend, and occasionally hired a house in the free sector if I had enough customers, because I had already discovered the phenomenon of home reception. I earned € 150, - per hour and € 80, - for half an hour. Every day three customers of at least one hour times three days a week and yes, I could live luxury, sustain my addiction and buy off the guilt I felt towards my child... in 2006 I went back to my birthplace in North Holland. Still hooked, still with an unfulfilled void in me. An insatiable hunger for excitement and a quest to no longer feel the emotional pain. The coke was my white therapist, although at that time I did not see that nothing is what it seems. After the death of my mother, I returned to the polder in 2007. For me it was familiar territory and there was newly opened a club where the amateur prostitution game was tolerated. I came there seven days a week and earned, together with a friend, enough to rent and sniff, because we hardly ate anything. With one of the owners, I initially got a sex relationship in 2008 and I saw that if I wanted to make something of my life I had to stop using the coke. On 08-08-08 it was D-Day for me. Since apart from cocaine I did not spit on a pill, speed, a joint and drink, I radically stopped with everything. The sex relationship became a serious relationship and I went to work behind the bar. Entertaining is in my blood, so I built a party every time I was working. In addition, I had pretty nice ideas and created themes for the club, wrote the web texts and before I realized it, I more or less ran the club, took on staff and all of that for ten euros per hour (without a contract). But hey, I had standing, attention and on vacation went every two months, so who cares? My friend also wanted to go to an after party (WAP = Weekend Adult Party) and I thought: Why not? That is how I came into contact with GHB and I saw many people go ‘out’. I was shocked by the poly use of (Uppers, downers, laughing gas balloons etc) and even more by the low self-esteem among the ladies of the couples. There was almost a very recognizable pattern! Women who came from a destructive relationship and now had caught up with the open-minded (narcissist), who 'lovingly' donated another G so that they became more willing. A new prostitution market was born: Paydating. Where the gentlemen of the couples put a call on swingers dating sites and gentlemen were lured to be allowed to ‘wap’ and of course have horny sex. Only ... these men who were mostly unaccustomed to drugs, now got such a huge excess of uppers, that ‘little Willy' remained out of use. After a few hours they were sent away without results and they crawled behind the wheel heavily under the influence to go home, with all the risks that entails. More and more I heard that people died from the effects of chemsex. At that time I already felt that action had to be taken. So I started retraining myself as a coach in the field of addictions. Of course I had to be careful, because yes, to awaken the women to the fact that they would benefit more from a good psychologist and another boyfriend, would not do my partner's business any good ... in 2015 I ended up in the hospital. And it soon became obvious that my rough life, full of sex, drugs and trance music, in which I had carefully put my head in the sand, had taken its toll. I turned out to have a leaky heart valve. First I hoped against better judgement that it would be innate. But the cardiologist burst my bubble by telling me that it was indeed due to my substance abuse and pure mistreatment of my body. A rough estimate shows that I have put over € 90,000 in my nostrils, the price of an apartment in a medium-sized city at that time.
Now in retrospect, I think, it is a pity that in my time, there was no platform that was composed of experiential experts. Not the well-known teaching finger of the educated Truus who does not even know what goes on a couples club, or what life is like as a prostitute, but real pioneers who can tell you from their own experience what the dangers of chemsex can be. Because nothing is wrong with responsible swinging. There is no nicer, more cost-effective way of going out than in erotic entertainment. Only as with everything in a human life, it is the BALANCE that matters. After the relationship with the gay from the swingers club had also run aground, because I got a little calmer after the diagnosis of heart patient, the pioneer awoke in me. I went to work for addiction care, where I took telephone calls from addicts, 'addicts in recovery' and also family members of addicts. With all my experiential knowledge, I turned out to be a good 'hope giver'! I also provided information to doctors in training and in clinics. My story did matter! And yet it kept gnawing ... why did nobody dare to tackle the phenomenon of chemsex? Was taboo-free Holland actually much more prudish than she pretended? I have expressed my concern through various channels, but unfortunately nothing happened until now ... I have learned that if Moses does not come to the mountain, then the mountain should come to Moses. Time to be able to offer that platform to starting swingers, people who are stuck in a pattern of chemsex or those who want to sail a different course. Hence I am glad with the coincidence, or would it be the universe, that Daisy Jacobs came on my path. Finally someone who speaks my language, who also, like me, explains the scientific side but also the expert side, but most of all, works from the heart and without prejudice.
Daisy Jacobs
sexpower.online
Mona Liza Verseijden
Datum: 12-04-'19
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