It should be no secret that we have been busy for years setting up a non-profit brothel. Which means that the operator is not making a profit, so this will go back into improving the industry. With this we aim to eliminate the stigma and prevent abuses such as human trafficking.

Everything people make illegal or push away drives up the price and the underground trade is incalculable. Dangerous and in my opinion totally unnecessary. We participated in the tender procedure with Het Zandpad in Utrecht (more info >). Unfortunately we came in 2nd and so our idea was not implemented. In the end, Het Zandpad was once again - not completely, but again indefinitely - "postponed";. Still learned a lot in this process and we are still not sitting idle. As long as my heart beats I will keep kicking this sacred cow.

Why?
In the first place anyway because I think it's ridiculous how people are demonised about something that will always be there. Because there will always be a need for it. it's hypocritical and head in the sand politics. But that's my immodest opinion. But that's not all. I'm going to open a personal book about this. I see sex work as a sexual service. Like the construction workers I hire to do something I'm not very good at myself, I can do that with a sex worker, right? Why that difference? The construction worker has limits. He takes on one job. He leaves the other to someone else, because he/she doesn't feel like it or anything. Sex work is no different. Every sex worker also has personal preferences and boundaries (please don't confuse sex work and human trafficking here). Sex work is not always physical either, see OnlyFans.

I myself have endometriosis. This means that my uterine lining has taken on a life of its own outside my uterus in the form of scar tissue like gunk. This leads to more or less pain with ups and downs in line with the hormone cycle of the month. So sex is only a fun activity for me for a

few days a month. Because yes, even arousal cramps the uterus and causes pain. I especially find it hilarious what spectacular stories I hear year after year about men, whose names I can't even remember, telling things about me that can never be true at all. I like to listen to that, and

also like to throw some oil on that fire.
 

Anyway, it's something I find hilarious. People's look at such a reaction they do not expect. First of all, it's just my humour. But beyond that, it is primarily a form of activism. As long as women defend themselves because they are ashamed that people would label them as “too sexual or too free”, we will keep this going ourselves. I don't think other people's opinion of me is relevant enough to put energy into it and go against it anyway. But I just don't think it's necessary. Why would it be a drama if such a story would have been true? There are some pretty good cougar promotions that seem like a great plan to me. I can laugh about it and like to add to the story. Myself and the people who know me laugh naturally. I don't even have to waste words on that. So the way I see it, that's exactly where the problem lies. I shouldn't have to defend myself.

The book by Linda Duits “Eindelijk weten wat seks is” was a relief to read for me. It described exactly what I run into in feeling lonely in my experiences sometimes in this. She describes the way in which 2000 years of church have left their mark, down through the generations, on women's sexual experience and expression. Pretty logical. Burning people alive is a great motivation to keep your head down. For 2000 years, women have been pilloried for being too independent or too sexual. Even now, without the participation of a judging church, we maintain our judging eye.
She also describes the effect of statistics on people. If you find this interesting, I highly recommend this book. Women are still a much-discussed topic if they dare to have a little more sexual energy than normal". Because that's my next point. I will never tell you what I think is right or wrong. Few things are so black and white. Things are personal for everyone. Certainly sexuality is a personal experience. But as with everything that is hidden, that is taboo and stigmatised, we prefer to whisper about it as much as possible. We track statistics. A DSM5 that should tell you when you are normal or not. If we have sex twice a week, the statistics say we have a good relationship. I could devote a whole topic to what a libido killer this is. Sex under the pressure of how it should be. That costs many people their dopamine/serotonin-link towards sex. Only lowers libido. This is again my opinion. Because my sexology training didn't teach me this. Maybe a neurological piece. I picked up the combination in how we prime ourselves in our brain from hypnosis training and the rest is a lot of thinking about personal experiences.

So suppose, like I hire a construction worker, I hire a sex worker for the things that I find important, but that I am not good at or simply don't feel like doing, but that my partner can allow. Here are 100,000 sizes and opinions on what is natural. I completely understand that. You may find it too intimate to share with someone else. Of course I look at this topic from many angles. I myself have a physical problem. I speak to many people who experience libido difference in their relationship that they have simply not worked out for decades.

You can have very different preferences within sexuality or physical problems. I think there are just more ways to look at this. You can indeed put aside the part that you find sexually important for your partner. People who think that intimacy and sexuality is what really should happen

between them, they will have to sort this out together and make concessions. That can present challenges over the years. But that's what relationships do anyway I've never experienced that myself. I'm not very monogamous. Although, thanks to my fear of contamination, it usually works out that way haha.. But I do think the heart is big. That more people fit in there. More experiences. More ways. I even experience it as pressure and it kills my libido when a relationship relies completely on me in terms of sex. I think it's ideal to be able to say "Gosh honey, here's 50 euros, go to the Schipperskwartier and give someone a jaw ache there."

I's a service. What's the problem? At least I personally don't feel that way. But maybe it works a bit like the man of the house who doesn't want the carpenter to come despite his own incompetence? Something is threatened? In any case, I don't feel threatened that easily, and I look forward to seeing the photos.

I think making more use of sexual services in this form or even in other more educational or relationship enriching ways could be useful.



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Daisy Jacobs ♦ sex therapist & coach

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