Stealthing
Stealthing is forced unsafe sex. Sex itself is voluntary, but only on condition of the use of a condom. When the male partner removes the condom without the consent and/or knowledge of his sex partner, you speak of forced unsafe sex.
Sometimes you have those evenings. You are together with friends, with a glass of wine and what starts as a funny conversation, quickly becomes serious and very open.
This was also the case with me last week. The conversation was about sex and where people first laughed about everything we had gone through, all the experiences we had had, so it became serious and tears came.
What was it about then?
One of my friends said she had an experience with a man, a one-night-stand, not wearing the condom during sex, even though she had indicated that was what she wanted. She later found the unused condom on the floor next to the bed. You might guess how this felt for her. She felt really screwed. Literally and figuratively. But it went even further. Besides the fear of an STD (pregnancy was not possible in her case), there was the shame and all kinds of other mental consequences.
Boundaries have been crossed, it feels like rape but is it? They had sex with mutual consent, does this fall under the heading of rape?
The conversation never let go of me and that is why I started looking online for information about this phenomenon. Because it really doesn't seem to be anything new, there is even a word for it. Stealthing is what it is called.
Stealthing is forced unsafe sex. Sex itself is voluntary, but only on condition of the use of a condom. When the male partner removes the condom without the consent and/or knowledge of his sex partner, we speak of forced unsafe sex.
Stealthing, at least as far as I'm concerned, falls under sexual violence, so it really should be under the heading of rape. There are already countries where it is punishable, unfortunately this is not yet the case in the Netherlands, here it is not yet included separately in the criminal code. You can report a crime (under Article 284 (compulsion) of the Criminal Code), but research shows that less than 1% of victims do so. Victims are by the way men and women.
What really worries me is the fact that there are forums where this is encouraged by men and even tips and tricks are exchanged. You can't find them easily, but they are there. So it is indicated by perpetrators that they think they have the right to cum in someone else.
They consider their temporary enjoyment more important than the safety and health of someone else.
What kind of a sick mind are you then?
Besides the fact that it does an awful lot to someone mentally, I also think it is necessary to write what, from a practical point of view, is important to know, if you have been a victim of stealthing
If it just happened, I recommend that you act like you do when you burst a condom:
- Drink lots of water and pee (your body flushes it)
- Continue to walk around or stand up so that any semen can run out of your vagina.
Risk of STD
Every STD has its own incubation period; the time you have to wait before you can test reliably. Read Maja's blog about this, which can be found here on the site.
Risk of pregnancy
If you do not use an anti-conception, get a morning-after pill immediately, which is available without a prescription at the chemist and pharmacy. Taking the morning after pill must be within 72 hours of unprotected sex contact.
And these are the physical consequences. The mental consequences are there too, of course. It feels like rape. That is why it is important that you report it and that you talk about it, with your doctor, another care provider or a confidant in your area. Realize that it is never your fault. It's the sick ghost of the man who did this to you.
Can you actually prevent stealthing?
- That was the next thing I wondered.
- An alarm bell could be , if a man insists strongly on sex without a condom, maybe even tries to convince you about it. However annoying it may be, we must be aware that stealthing is a possibility for (wrong) men.
- Use condoms that you can feel too. You will feel it when the man removes a ribbed condom.
- Be careful with the use of narcotics, under the influence of alcohol or drugs you are less alert to what is happening.
Do you have any questions or would you like to talk about this subject?
Chat about it with one of our consultants, for example:
Daisy Jacobs ♦ sex therapist & coachLooking for a pleasant chat on any subject, for advice or encouraging support?Read more about my motivations and specializations in my profile.See you soon!
Datum: 06-10-'20
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