Tantra and sex
"Uh, tantra, that's uh, that sex thing?" This is the reaction I sometimes get when I say that tantra is an important part of my life. However, it usually remains silent. Presumably because the word "tantra" at the family dinner evokes uncomfortable feelings. Because in the public image, tantra is indeed often equated with sex, orgies and kink. Can tantra greatly enrich your sex life? Hell yes. Is tantra mainly about sex? No, it is not.
I can only write this blog from my own perspective, because tantra is a term that encompasses many different visions. This story is about what tantra has given me, and why I am so wildly enthusiastic about it. Neither I nor anyone can objectively tell "what tantra is." Everyone will have to find a form that suits them best. This suits me.
First an overview. So there are different currents within the tantra. It originated at least 1500 years ago (some suggest up to almost 5000 years ago) in the region where now, among others, India and Tibet are located, and in the last 1500 years at least it was mainly practiced from Buddhism and Hinduism. It has also been popularized in the West since the 1960s-70s (for example, by Osho, a fairly well-known tantric teacher). In some of these new movements, the emphasis was (and is) mainly on the sexual. The Kama Sutra is often cited in connection with tantra (but is not a tantric writing), as well as the picture of hours of lovemaking without ejaculation and the more recent stories of sexual abuse by tantra massagers. A lot of the centers that provide tantra training or sessions, as well as those original tantras from 1500 years ago, certainly have sex - as sex plays a role in life. Because tantra welcomes sexuality, and most spiritual movements ignore or reject sex, tantra has acquired a strong association with sex. But tantra is about much more.
Why do I find it important to emphasize that tantra is more than just sex, on a website that is all about sex? Because I think it paints a wrong picture of what tantra can mean for a sex life, and for the rest of life. Doing a few exercises in which you sit on top of each other is not going to bring about the essential change that tantra can bring about - I think.
What, then, is tantra to me? It is a spiritual path, or a path for self-development. It is not a belief or religion: Tantrikas are not believers, but researchers. They investigate their own experience, with the aim of experiencing more self-awareness, "life energy" and freedom. The practice of tantra, for me and my environment, is about doing inner work much more than about ejaculating or not. With the help of exercises (or "meditations", or "structures") we look at what happens inside - emotions, sensations, thoughts or desires, for example - when we are in contact with another. Below I list some of the elements of tantra: vibrancy, feeling more subtle, desires and limits, and sincerity. I will also explain how these aspects (with a detour) can contribute to a richer sex life.
In tantra people often talk about "life energy" or "vital energy". Without making it too floaty, I think this is something we all recognize: moments when you sparkle, you feel moving, you feel free. Think about those moments when you feel very lively, then you almost literally feel the effervescence in your body. This is life energy that flows, it is said. And sexual energy is pre-eminently a form of this vital energy that we often recognize. Therefore, tantra uses dancing, the breath, or sound, as well as sexuality, as an entrance to allow more of this energy to flow. Sex thus becomes a kind of meditation. Can you imagine what a lovemaking looks like if you can get moving like this together? Oof.
In tantra we also learn to feel more subtle: what happens in my body at this moment, if I slow it down a bit? What if I try to get out of my head? (See also one of my other blogs, about slowing down). By slowing down and practicing observing what is going on (which is also practiced in meditation and mindfulness, for example), the body can become much more sensitive. For example, not only genitals and perhaps the breasts and buttocks are part of sex, but the entire body. The caress of an elbow cavity can already feel orgasmic. Sex can become so much wider than how we generally define (heterosexual) sex, like penetration of a penis into a vagina. Just experiencing sexual energy can be very fulfilling. One of my teachers explained how eating a piece of chocolate can already be a "sexual" experience, for example. Enjoyment is much easier to reach - also when you feel the wind on your skin, listening to music, the movement of your own body while dancing. And in contact with another, every look or touch can bring about much more.
We also practice listening to our own desires and limits - sexually or otherwise- and communicating those desires and limits. By slowing down, and recognizing signals from our own body, it becomes easier to see what we don't want, and more importantly, what we do fully. Recognizing this, and daring to tell the people we are with, makes everything in life better. And sex too. There is no longer any reason to have to meet a "picture" of perfect sex (or a perfect life), where perhaps none of the people involved really enjoy it. Instead, we do exactly what we want, not what we don't want. Whether this is more or less frequent sex, with or without cumming, with one or more partners: what is important is that it is fulfilling for you. Sex becomes more relaxed, more intimate and sincere.
For me, sincerity is also an essential part of what tantra can bring. By looking at what is going on at the time, and not immediately judging it, it becomes slightly easier to break through the automatic mechanisms of interaction. We all live with these automatic mechanisms that help protect us. Against rejection, for example. Suppose my partner does not react immediately when I touch him, then my automatic response is "oh he doesn't feel like me, let me quickly withdraw before I really feel the rejection." Maybe this automaticity convinces me that he is an insensitive jerk. Breath in breath out. What do I feel? A tightness in my stomach, a fearful feeling, the thought "he doesn't find me attractive now". When I respond to my automaticity, I do my own thing and keep a distance between us. If I dare to look at what's really going on in a vulnerable and honest way, I can become milder. I don't have to take responsibility for my experience with the other person. Maybe I can just let that fear go completely, and let it go. Can I talk to my partner about that. Can he respond to this from his experience. In this way, we can create a much fairer and more intimate situation, where we are both real and can really meet the other.
Tantra therefore helps to see that everything can be found in ourselves: negative reactions, but also fulfillment and pleasure. So Tantra is also "saying yes" to everything we experience. Live life fully. The nice life, but also the challenges. If we investigate this, and see where this can take us, it gives an enormous feeling of freedom and appreciation for existence. Tantra helps break taboos and increase the love we feel for ourselves and others. It's dancing, crying, and sometimes a bit juicy;)
Tantra is usually practiced initially in retreats / training or private sessions, then integrated into the normal life. There are many providers, where there is quite a difference in style. What may help you choose is perhaps the freshly created Tantrawijzer. have had very good experiences with the Centrum voor Tantra, Bliss Your Body, Unveiling Intimacy and Exploring Deeper.
Laura
sexpower.online
Datum: 23-03-'20
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