The Mirror
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From one day to the next an awareness can arise that things can suddenly go terribly wrong.
Aware of an insecurity that you simply cannot shake off.
The Mirror
Sometimes an event can hit reality as you knew it. A traumatic birth, burglary, assault, illness, an abusive relationship.
Aware of an insecurity that you simply cannot shake off.
What you notice is that you cannot go back to the person you were before this happened to you. This often results in frustration, powerlessness and feelings of injustice. You can't go back to the old. You can't move on to anything new yet.
It seems like a kind of twilight zone that people can easily remain trapped in for decades. A phase in which you can continue to blame people for things. Where you can blame yourself for things. Things that keep you busy even though nothing can be changed.
I would like to describe this process on the basis of a PTSD tic that I have myself. I have and had a number of these, but this very simple one shows me how my process went. Maybe you recognize it and you can do something about it. I think that everyone will eventually have to find their own way in this.
There was a mirror in my house. I knew it hung there. Of course I also understood perfectly well that I see myself in it when I walk past it. Yet whenever I went to the bathroom late at night and walked past that mirror, I got a terrible shock from my own movement reflecting in that mirror. With that feeling I went to sleep and I had nightmares and re-experiences of an experience that has long since belonged to the past. Since that was no fun, I automatically became even more alert to the feeling of fear. I became more afraid of nightmares, because these also determined how I felt for the next few days. They started to become more frequent. This became a circle that I couldn't get myself out of.
I did everything I could think of to break this cycle. Therapy, meditation, hypnosis, alcohol. In fact, the solution was obvious. At least for this trigger point . Just hang something over that mirror or remove the mirror, for example. Such solutions provoked a lot of resistance in me. As if I admitted to myself that I was weak. I punished myself with the idea that I knew perfectly well that there was no one in my house and that I just had to learn this again. I compared myself to people for whom such things would not be an issue. Reproached myself for how ridiculous and petty it was. So I pushed myself hard to deal with this.
This went on until the moment that I continued to get physically ill due to, among other things, lack of sleep. I finally decided to hang a towel over the mirror when it got dark. That actually solved the trigger. It was just that simple. Why didn't I do this before?
From the resistance to admit that I couldn't go back to my old self, I kept myself trapped in this part of the process. I would not say, longer than necessary, because it is precisely the enduring and feeling of it that brings this insight. In hindsight it's always easy... "If only I had".
Once in possession of this insight, you can only see how much shorter the way there could have been. So these are clearly not helpful thoughts. It takes the time it takes. Period. Don't punish yourself because it could have been done differently.
After many years of this kind of self-flagellation, I decided to accept myself as I am. No more forcing myself to things that just no longer belong to my current self. No more forcing myself to change. I adjust my life to what feels right to me. There is always a way to find it if you can allow yourself.
Does that mean I could have skipped all that therapy and other ways to ultimately achieve this? I once thought so. Nothing helps. It's all pointless. But that's not true. Most of the things you do to get yourself out of such a pattern are slow. The changes are so subtle. Almost imperceptible. Especially when you are still in the middle of it, frustration and despair dominate. The fear that what you are feeling now may never get better.
No therapy will give you the tools to flip the switch instantly, so that you can go back to that old carefree version of yourself. That person is not coming back. What it does do, over time, is soften. You are less scared. You recover faster from a night of terror dreams. You don't feel down for as long after a re-experience. The rotten feeling becomes less deep and lasts less time. That is the first sign of your growth in this.
Of course you want to get rid of everything by tomorrow. Because you didn't deserve what happened to you. You have the right to a happy life just like everyone else. It's exactly these things that keep you trapped in the twilight zone for longer. Feeling all these emotions is not something to skip. No matter how heavy it is. Start by being nicer to yourself first.
All that self-punishment, or feeling that life should be different from what it turned out for you, creates a resistance that blocks the way to your next phase.
Nowadays I don't have to cover my mirror with a towel, which I can quickly remove so that no one can see it. So that no one questions it. My mirror is getting a nice curtain rail. It is just allowed to be there. This piece of what was left of experiences that in retrospect have yielded more than they cost me.
You often don't have a choice about what happens to you. You decide for yourself what you do with it.
Whoever stands in front of that mirror after this process is really worth getting to know. Don't deprive yourself of that.
you got this.
#blog #trauma #ptss #yougotthis
Datum: 03-09-'22
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