Want to feel more? Slow down!
It is incredibly recognizable: we have ended up in a fun sexual situation with an attractive person, and then we suddenly - consciously or unconsciously - chase everything: getting an erection, self-cumming or the orgasm of the other, for example . And we are no longer very concerned with the pleasure that we could experience. Yes? Have you ever experienced it? Is that what sex is? Racing towards an orgasm with a set of predetermined actions?
And now try to think of a sex encounter where you thought, holy shit, how is this even possible! Losing yourself in each other, where you want to see, feel, eat each and every part of each other's body. Where the world outside no longer exists. Where intimacy arises with each other's body, you show yourself completely to the other and the other trusts you to let yourself go. That is also possible. Everyone can do this. We can even do this with ourselves. One of the ways to be open to this is to slow down.
We have learned that (heterosexual) sex must conform to one image, and that a 'script' can be followed: you kiss something, hands go over body, a hand plays with the genitalia, maybe there is oral sex, the penis goes into a vagina, the man and possibly also the woman climax - and then the party is over. Maybe some cuddling is taking place. (For non-heterosexual sex between two people, there are of course such "scripts", but maybe they are a little less uniform.) This can of course be great, but is this fixed tune then what "sex" is? Does this image meet everyone's desires regarding physical, sensual intimacy? Probably not. But what does it do? And what does slowness have to do with this?
Tantra and Taoism, among others, advise us to slow down. Because with slowing down it becomes possible to feel better. Feeling what our body and mind requires, and to feel what happens when we are in contact with someone else. But what is slowing down then?
Slowing down is about feeling present in the body and being attentive to physical sensations. This "being present" means that we become aware of what we are experiencing at that moment, without necessarily wanting to change anything or looking ahead to what will happen later. Judging or trying to reach a goal makes real enjoyment a lot harder, right?
How does slowing down ensure more enjoyment? If sex is about the experience, about the feeling, then it does not help if we are concerned in our head with "how it should be" or "how the other can see that I am really good in bed." Slowing down means that every part of "sex" (in the broadest sense of the word) and everything that precedes and follows it is a stand-alone event. It makes it easier not to be carried away by the images of "good sex" but to stop for a moment and feel our body and emotions at that moment. Slowing down means that you focus on this moment, without putting pressure on it to lead to something. It means fully enjoying what is there at the time. Slowing down also means regularly checking in at ourselves and the other: are we still doing what we really want to do? What do I experience and what would I like to experience? It also gives us time to respond to the other and to communicate more carefully what we need.
This type of sex awareness can also help to feel a expansion in our body, and "expand" sex. We start to feel much more than, for example, only in the genitals, breasts and lips. Look at what you feel in your hands when you touch the other, or when your lower leg is stroked, or what happens in your left big toe - in all parts of your body that you may not have previously seen as "sexual."
Give it a try, if only with a kiss. Consider the sensations. Feel the touch on your lips, taste the other on your tongue, fully absorb the smells in the room. Open your eyes and look. Let it come in completely. Feel what is happening inside of you. Where does it live now, in your body? (You can also try this while masturbating, also very interesting.)
Is this then "boring" sex? Or "only interesting for women"? It may seem duller at first, because we are generally accustomed to a lot of stimuli, and especially to the visual aspect of porn. Because we are used to a certain pattern in sex. This is a pattern that we know: it works. Or at least, he'll get it done, she'll get it done, I'll get it done. And then we can go to sleep or start the day. But the more we learn to relax, the more sensitive we can be, the less is needed from outside. We start to feel more and more subtle, to listen more precisely and to tune in more. If we stand still for just a moment and listen carefully to what we desire at that moment, we can follow that desire. If that is "kissing a lot and having you touch my entire body," you can ask. If that changes to "being taken wildly and being taken with full dedication" or "taking control and dominating the other", then you try (with permission of course). There is no one way to have sex, thankfully. Suddenly anything is possible, far from the original script. And that is far from boring.
There is an enormous amount of freedom to experience in sex in this way, but it requires releasing an image that we have learned all our lives about what "good sex" is. But what do we have to lose? This is just one image. Your body knows much better what is good for you at this time. Does it all have to be wilder, harder, with more people and more toys, to keep sex interesting? To make sex "better"? What happens if we do the opposite: go slower, focus on what we feel in our body, and try not to perform too much? For many people, an endless world of possibilities opens up ...
Laura
sexpower.online
Datum: 12-02-'20
Terug naar overzicht
