When you love another more than you love yourself
Hot topic of the moment; #domesticviolence #partnerviolence.
Of course, these types of issues are always in play. However, these dark days with the lockdown show a strong upward trend. Also within my own chats I see (even more) worrying developments in this.
Which of you get physical responses to this song of MEAU - Dat heb jij gedaan?
Hot topic of the moment; #domesticviolence #partnerviolence.
Of course, this sort of thing is always in play. However, these dark days with the lockdown show a strong upward trend. Also within my own chats I see (even more) worrying developments in this.
I know, if you are in the middle of this. Still busy googling your partner's behavior so you can justify it to yourself then this blog may not be kicking in. That's okay too. It is a process. Denial is an important and often long-term phase when it comes to violent relationships. Because where is that line? When is it intense and passionate. When does it become unhealthy?
For many people, that is an obvious story. For people who can love another person more than themselves, it is less obvious. For people who are not familiar with this feeling, it is impossible to explain why you keep running back to the source of all your pain like a beaten dog.
Domestic violence can only be allowed if you love yourself less than another. But of course a person can also just meet a "giver" like yourself. Someone who can build you up despite all your fears and insecurities instead of kicking you further and further into the ground until you are brainwashed/manipulated into a weak extract of something that once was your personality.
Unfortunately, many people attract someone who affirms their worth (or lack thereof). As long as you can't feel your own value, there is little chance that someone else will teach you. Start there.
Also, start being proud of yourself. What you have endured. It happens so quickly to keep punishing yourself for this for years. Whether it's resentment towards the person who did this to you, or punishing yourself for allowing it to happen. All this does is keep you trapped in a past that is over.
Whether it's a burglary, robbery, abuse, assault. Your sense (or illusion?) of security has been breached. No one can ever convince you that you are safe again. You may go into resistance over this. Wanting to return to your "factory settings" at all costs.
You Got This.
Of course, this sort of thing is always in play. However, these dark days with the lockdown show a strong upward trend. Also within my own chats I see (even more) worrying developments in this.
I know, if you are in the middle of this. Still busy googling your partner's behavior so you can justify it to yourself then this blog may not be kicking in. That's okay too. It is a process. Denial is an important and often long-term phase when it comes to violent relationships. Because where is that line? When is it intense and passionate. When does it become unhealthy?
For many people, that is an obvious story. For people who can love another person more than themselves, it is less obvious. For people who are not familiar with this feeling, it is impossible to explain why you keep running back to the source of all your pain like a beaten dog.
What I write here is for the people who are about to get out of this. Or those who have been out of it for years. Because it's not until you've been completely out of it for a while that you start to see what you've been in.
Then comes the next phase....
An emotional rollercoaster of anger and frustration at what someone has done to you versus the inability to forgive yourself for what you have allowed all along. Because it is. You allowed it, closed your eyes to the fact that you tiptoed around. You allowed this because you didn't love yourself enough to want to see it or choose for yourself. Maybe you were also just used to these situations from childhood and felt safe because of it. As bizarre as that sounds. What is familiar feels safe. That you have come out of it is a sign that you have learned to love yourself more. Instead of blaming yourself for what you have allowed for so long, you should be proud of the fact that you were able to break through. Maybe not even for yourself. Maybe you got a child that made you look at things differently. Or someone came your way who is also a giver, like you. This allowed them to deal with you and your insecurities differently.
Domestic violence can only be allowed if you love yourself less than another. But of course a person can also just meet a "giver" like yourself. Someone who can build you up despite all your fears and insecurities instead of kicking you further and further into the ground until you are brainwashed/manipulated into a weak extract of something that once was your personality.
Unfortunately, many people attract someone who affirms their worth (or lack thereof). As long as you can't feel your own value, there is little chance that someone else will teach you. Start there.
Also, start being proud of yourself. What you have endured. It happens so quickly to keep punishing yourself for this for years. Whether it's resentment towards the person who did this to you, or punishing yourself for allowing it to happen. All this does is keep you trapped in a past that is over.
This is as easy as saying. Accept and let go. That is not how it works in practice. I personally believe that we cannot skip steps/processes. We can keep them as short as possible instead of stretching them out for years. I do believe that.
All this emotion, all these stages are an important process to go through. It is what it is. We repeat what we don't repair. What has helped my acceptance is mostly observation. Even after 10 years, there are triggers. Of course you want to get back to your old sense of security.Here's why I don't think that's possible, and why that's okay.
I observe a lot. Especially in nature. That's my way of mindfulness.
Animals are in the now. They can't do much else after all. But when I watch birds coming to eat at my house. Then I see a high degree of #PTSS. They are constantly looking around. Looking back, don't like having open space in their back. That makes sense. Because at any moment a cat could jump out of the bushes or a kestrel could come down. Their lives are not safe. Never. That's how their nature is. That many people don't have PTSD is fortunate. A privilege. If your sense of security has proven illusory in any way... you will never get it back.
Whether it's a burglary, robbery, abuse, assault. Your sense (or illusion?) of security has been breached. No one can ever convince you that you are safe again. You may go into resistance over this. Wanting to return to your "factory settings" at all costs.
Frustrating yourself over what has been taken away from you. But the fact is that it's only going to keep you trapped in that moment which is already over. Start adapting to the new you. Look closely at what you can or cannot do. You will see that with time it will be better. But resistance is not the way. Maybe you can't handle certain triggers right now. Whether it's movies, games, songs or you just can't sit with your back to an open space. You may be scared out of your wits with every firecracker that pops.... This is what it is. No matter how shitty. Look to the future and see how you can make life easier for yourself. Stop trying to become the old you again and develop the new you.
Do you have any questions or would you like to talk about this subject?
Chat about it with one of our consultants, for example:
Daisy Jacobs ♦ sex therapist & coachLooking for a pleasant chat on any subject, for advice or encouraging support?Read more about my motivations and specializations in my profile.See you soon!
Datum: 27-12-'21
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