Why do we have sex?
We often put quite some pressure on sex: we prefer to do it often, it's supposed to keep our relationship healthy, and our sense of sex should show that we are healthy and attractive. But this idea is totally igmores an important question: why do I actually want sex? What do I want to achieve with it? The answer may seem simple at first. "For pleasure," for example, or "to feel connected to my partner." Or for relaxation. Or for a discharge. Or to feel attractive. Or to experiment. Or ... or ... or ...
Here we go. Maybe you recognize one of these reasons, maybe you recognize more. And this is just the tip of the iceberg. The reasons above are generally freely accepted motivations for sex. Often there are also less "beautiful" desires, which may be more difficult to admit - but which we all experience sometimes. Sex to get confirmation, for example. Or not to reject the other. Out of pity. To bring a partner in a good mood. Not to lose the relationship. Out of guilt. Because it's just routine. To get rid of the pressure that the other puts on us. To show how "good" we are. Out of boredom.
And this is all okay too. At least, as long as we dare to look at it honestly, so that we can relieve some of that pressure and start enjoying again. Because often if these desires are not met, we can start to feel pretty bad.
Orgasm, intimacy, confirmation, experimentation, love, exercise, getting rid of frustration, becoming more self-assured, getting pregnant, healing emotional pain ... we expect a lot of sex! This pressure can cause stress and conflict between partners, or we actually have the continuous feeling that we do not get or do enough for the other. By looking at it, without judgment, and realizing why we actually want sex, we might become a little milder for ourselves and our partner. This way we can look at how "successful" the sex is. For example, if we acknowledge that there are so many more reasons to have sex than having an orgasm, it means that having a sex can also be incredibly successful without someone having reached it.
Consider the last few times you wanted sex. Why did you want it? You can make a list of the reasons that come to mind. What were your motivations at the start? And did this change during sex? And what did you eventually get out of it? If you look at your motivations for sex, think about the effect these expectations had on sex itself. You can also discuss this with a partner. It can be different at different times, and certainly not everyone is looking for the same thing in sex. All reasons are permitted, at a certain moment, for a certain person.
Because what if one wants sex to experiment and experience new sides of himself, while the sexual partner is looking for relaxation? Sometimes the motivations for sex of the two (or more) sex partners are incompatible - and sometimes the same activity can also satisfy completely different needs. It is important to really coordinate what we want and what the other person wants. This is not easy, with all the pressure that might be on it. But then we can start by making sure that we are really fulfilling our needs - even though this may look different from the wel worn path.
And maybe sometimes you don't feel like having sex. Also fine.
Want to read more about this and enjoy sexual pleasure? A great booklet with this approach is "Enjoy Sex" by Meg-John Barker and Justin Hancock.
Laura
sexpower.online
Datum: 12-02-'20
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